No Apologies: Why Saying Sorry Less Will Make You a Better Person
How often do you find yourself apologising on any given day?
This unconscious practice has become so commonplace in today's society that many of us no longer realise we're doing it. Unfortunately, saying sorry can often be quite detrimental, both for yourself and the person you're apologising to.
There are 3 main reasons that apologising all the time is unhealthy. This article will examine each of these in turn, and give advice on how to respond more helpfully in social situations.
It’s Selfish
Let's take a closer look at why frequently apologising can be a bad thing.
First, consider the reason we are saying sorry in the first place. What does it achieve?
It makes us feel better about ourselves, of course. And it is also a method for changing someone else's feelings towards you, from negative to positive.
This makes it a form of manipulation.
It is not our job to manage other people's emotions, nor do we have any right to trick people into liking us more and forgiving us for something we have done.
We apologise because we fear negative reactions, we fear being disliked or even hated, and we feel compelled to say sorry because society teaches that this is the only way to prove that you feel bad about something.
The obvious issue with this is that it is so easy to fake an apology. Nobody is a mind-reader; just because someone has said they are sorry, does not mean they feel any sympathy, regret, or remorse.
It’s Dishonest
The root of the problem comes down to the fact that most apologies are inherently dishonest.
Think of all the things you normally apologise for:
Upsetting somebody
Making a mistake
Bumping into a stranger on the street
Committing a crime (and getting caught)
Forgetting to do something
Intentionally causing someone harm
Now let's break these down and take a look at why apologising in these circumstances is more often than not an act of dishonesty.
Accidents
It's written in the name, but we often forget that accidents aren't our fault.
By definition, an accident is something you didn't intentionally do. To apologise for something in which you were involved but not complicit is to take ownership where there is none.
Saying sorry when you have not intentionally done anything wrong is the same premise as taking credit when you have not intentionally done anything good.
This is why, although society teaches us that apologising when you make a mistake is good manners, it is always dishonest.
Intentional Behaviour
When it comes to culling your apologies, there is one type that can be more difficult than the others – saying sorry for something you did on purpose. These are the times when people expect you to apologise.
Whether you told an inconsiderate joke, hurt someone physically or emotionally because you wanted to, or committed some crime or another that got you in trouble – the world teaches us that the path to absolution is through an apology.
But apologising because somebody else wants you to, especially if you don't feel remorse for what you've done, demonstrates a serious lack of integrity.
Other People's Problems
This is another situation in which you are apologising for something you are in no way responsible for.
For example, saying sorry after learning that a friend’s father has passed away, or that they've failed a big exam.
“I’m sorry for your loss,”
or
“I’m so sorry to hear that.”
We often confuse sympathy with regret and thus believe we must apologise any time we feel bad for someone we care about.
But again, this type of apology is dishonest.
It's Unhelpful
Besides the obvious – the fact selfishness and dishonesty are bad traits to have – there is an even bigger reason for changing your behaviour when it comes to apologies.
Connections are bound by truth.
People can tell when you're lying. They know when you’re behaving in a way that is manipulative, rather than genuine.
Maybe not all the time. But on a subconscious level, most of us can get a sense of when someone else is being dishonest. Think about the connections you have with those closest to you – your best friends, your partner, your parents. Those are usually the people around which you can be most honest. And your honesty strengthens those connections.
This is why the cliché ‘Just be yourself’ remains one of the most commonly spoken pieces of advice. People who say what they truly feel without any hidden motives behind what they're saying are the people we naturally respect the most.
Every time you apologise for a mistake you made, something you did intentionally, or a circumstance you’re in no way responsible for, you betray that honest connection with the person you're apologising to. And though they may not realize it on the surface level, some inner part of them will sense that you are using your words to try and make them feel a certain way.
The more that these subtle awarenesses add up, the more that person will develop the gut-feeling that you are no longer someone they're comfortable communicating with on a deeper level.
The Solution
So how do we fix it?
When the world expects us to apologise all the time, how can we possibly escape the overwhelming instinct to obey this fundamental flaw in our society? It's simple: be honest.
I’m not asking you to be rude to someone for expecting an apology; there's no need to start saying, "It's not my fault" or "That's your problem."
There are plenty of genuine ways to react to a situation in which you would normally apologise that don’t require upsetting anybody even further.
Let's take a look at our first instance – the Accidental Offence.
You've just knocked someone's drink out of their hand at a party, or maybe you reversed into the side of their car without seeing it.
How can you ever make it up to them without using the phrase "I'm sorry"?
That’s easy.
Rather than tell them that you feel regretful, you should show them instead. Clean up the spilled drink. Offer them a new one. Lend them your jacket if you've made a mess of theirs.
Don't apologise for crashing into somebody's car, offer to exchange details, explain to them that you are more than happy to pay for any damages. If it's really bad, maybe offer to buy them lunch as well.
Not only have you avoided being dishonest, but you've also demonstrated that you feel remorse for your actions, and have made an effort to amend any harm caused. This far more practical approach will almost always achieve a better result.
What about when you've intentionally hurt somebody?
Well, have your feelings changed since then? If not, no action is needed. There is no reason to feign remorse for something you don't feel bad about.
And if you have changed and you do regret your previous actions, then the best way to show this is to behave accordingly. Stop doing the things that hurt them in the first place.
If they don't forgive you, fine. That's their choice. They don't owe you any forgiveness for what you've done, and you don't owe them a phoney apology.
But how can we comfort a friend or loved one without saying “sorry”?
When somebody comes to you with the news that something terrible has happened to them, they're not looking for an apology – it wouldn't change their situation and they know that.
They're just looking for comfort, for a shoulder to cry on and ears to listen, so offer them that.
Don't say, "I'm sorry for your loss.”
Ask, "How can I help?" or "Is there anything I can do for you?"
Oftentimes, it will be simply enough to hug them. Or, if they ask for it, offer advice. But there is no good reason to take responsibility for their suffering when it has no direct connection to something you did.
Better to just be honest and helpful than apologetic and accountable.
Finally, I'd like to acknowledge that this is not going to be an easy habit to break. We are conditioned all our lives to say sorry in just about any situation where somebody feels or could feel upset. Our parents teach us to apologise from a very young age, and though they mean well, they are unaware of the damage this can cause our future relationships.
Take your time.
Don't expect to be able to completely erase the word 'sorry' from your lexicon right away. Like most things, this is going to take a while to get used to and requires constant conscious effort and repetition before it becomes a part of your natural speech. And that's fine.
If you catch yourself still apologising all the time, don't feel bad; you're learning. Remember that simply by acknowledging that you are apologising unnecessarily you are already making a huge improvement.
Forgive yourself. Just don't say sorry.
